What is a Parent to Do? Finding Your Way Through the Fog
As an autism mom, I vividly recall the visceral feeling of helplessness watching my young son Idan cry, scream, and bang his head during meltdown episodes that arose inexplicably. I would offer hugs, his favorite snacks, calm words – but nothing seemed to penetrate the fog of overload he experienced.
Over time, the repeating cycle of powerlessness broke me down. Were my limitations failing Idan? Dark moments clouded better judgment. Surely I could be trying harder? Confusion from well meaning friends telling me to “discipline better” only compounded the hurt.
I hit rock bottom one morning when we were late for Idan’s kindergarten yet again. We had forgone our usual route to accommodate Idan’s epic meltdown over a minor break in routine that day. He desperately needed to take his regular street tour to see the air conditioning units outside nearby buildings – something he had been enthralled by doing since age two. Nothing could captivate his focus like observing those hypnotic rotating mechanisms behind the metal grills.
But on this already-frazzled morning as we rushed to drop him off at school before work, I refused his pleading request, knowing we didn’t have time. That’s when the real explosion happened – his distressed crying escalated quickly to biting and spitting on me in his full-blown scene of distress.
In that charged, frustrated moment as I wiped the saliva from my shirt, the frightening impulse to physically lash out at my overwhelmed child flashed in my mind. I scared myself, and immediately scheduled an emergency call with a psychiatrist specializing in caregivers of autistic children. From there, I started on an antidepressant regimen and bi-weekly therapy sessions with psychologist to prioritize my own mental health. I refused to let anger displace my love.
The validation and coping strategies gained prevented me from slipping to that dark impulse again. My goal in sharing this is for you as parents to know – you deserve and need self-care too. Never alone.
But what I’ve since learned is that for so many of us autism parents, these storms of emotion and behavior we weather feel isolating yet are sadly quite common. Getting honest support should never be so hard. As both a parent and counselor now, I assure you: Compassion and answers exist.
The Roots of Overwhelm: Making Sense of Meltdowns
Meltdowns often involve feeling emotionally overwhelmed and losing control. The technical term is “dysregulation” – meaning disordered management of sensations, emotions or impulses that commonly occurs with ASD.
Brain imaging studies reveal autistic individuals have unusually high baseline arousal, even when calm. Daily bombardment from lights, sounds, touching etc. piles onto this, exceeding capacity to self-soothe. Hence seemingly small triggers provoke big reactions.
As loving protectors, discovering our child’s overload threshold then proactively easing sources of stress prevents the clouds from gathering into storms. Adjusting communication, environments and direct support helps stabilize their emotional ship even amidst choppy waters.
Moving From Distress to De-Escalation: Your Emergency Toolbox 🧰
When meltdown waves still hit, respond with compassion. As autism parents know, our children face immense innate challenges with self-regulation. Attack will never improve outcome. But an emergency “meltdown toolkit” we can grab with care may bring de-escalation amidst the storm.
Common sensorial supports include:
🟣 Noise canceling headphones 🟣 Fidget toys 🟣 Gentle chewy necklaces 🟣 Mini trampolines 🟣 Timers 🟣 Visual charts 🟣 Lubricant for irritated skin
These portable, self-directed aids allow nervous systems relief from escalating chaos. It took some experimenting, but we witnessed which tools became Idan’s lifeline.
Additionally, adjusting your verbal and physical reactions matters greatly. Using a calm tone of voice, giving space or respectfully acknowledging their perspective makes a remarkable difference. Never judge or try to abruptly redirect them while escalated. Safety first.
Of course, despite best efforts, all children will at times feel distressed. Autistic or neurotypical – this is human. Cue more compassion.
Tracking Triggers and Bay Behavior: Smoothing the Sailing Ahead 📊
Since no two autistic children have identical needs, identify what specifically overwhelms your child by maintaining a behavior journal. Note activities, environments and interactions preceding meltdowns. This helps inform adaptations.
For Idan, loud crowded venues saw more episodes, so we brought sound proof earmuffs and let him retreat to quieter areas to regroup during summer fairs. I also realized when I accidentally “over helped” him with tasks, independence taken away triggered upset. Granting appropriate autonomy eased this.
Uncovering these nuanced insights allows better support. One family discovered their son grew highly distressed when his routine school bus driver was absent – change being the primary trigger! Adjusting their morning ritual accordingly helped circumvent several meltdowns.
One note – don’t despair if some triggers appear inevitable. But do validate your child when these unavoidable upsets occur.
Growth Emerges From the Ashes: Fostering Self Regulation 🌅
The ultimate goal, albeit gradual, is expanding their capacity to recognize oncoming distress and self-initiate calming strategies. This ability to self-regulate – or dampen fight/flight/freeze reactions independently – is pivotal for wellbeing.
Begin practicing when your child is regulated – asking them to use words, signals or tools to indicate feeling upset and requesting space. Offer consistent reinforcement; replacing punishment for outbursts with compassion goes far. Speech therapy focusing on emotional vocabulary or art activities identifying feelings builds awareness too.
Idan improved remarkably once he associated red zone feelings with immediate use of his headphones or swing. Confidence soared as he claimed some control amidst the storm. We all have greater strength than assumed my friends!
Your Lighthouse Amidst the Fog: All is Not Lost
Witnessing suffering in our children invokes profound distress – I validate this wholeheartedly. When in survival mode, hope blurred for me too. Thus I remind you, especially in those bleak moments: healing occurs gradually then suddenly sometimes. Your child can and will make progress.
Meanwhile, prioritizing radical self care preserves your mental faculties to stay buoyant. For us parents require equal tending and forgiveness.
My friends – if exhaustion, worry and love tangle inside you yet devotion still propels you forward, our community offers a safe harbor. We know firsthand the tempestuous seas you navigate. But sharing knowledge and emotional support smooths the ride.
You deserve empowerment. Your wondrous child deserves to feel understood. Calm waters ahead my fellow parents! As we often say during stormy nights snuggling Idan, “this too shall pass.”