11 Things Not to Do With Your Autistic Child: Essential Autism Tips for Parents

Parenting a child with autism comes with a unique set of challenges and joys. While there’s so much you want to do to support your child’s growth and development, certain well-intentioned actions might inadvertently be causing more stress than support. In this guide, we’ll discuss 11 common things to avoid when parenting your autistic child. The goal is to help you shift toward positive, proactive strategies that will empower your child to thrive. Remember, understanding and embracing neurodiversity are key!

1. Do not force eye contact!

Eye contact is often seen as a fundamental aspect of communication in many cultures. However, for autistic individuals, it can be uncomfortable or even distressing. We already covered that nuance in previous blog post about choosing the right therapist for your child.

Prolonged eye contact can heighten anxiety and make it harder to process information. Instead of insisting on eye contact, find alternative ways to connect:

• Engage in shared activities: Focus on doing enjoyable things together, whether it’s building blocks, playing a board game, or simply going for a walk.
• Respect their space: Let your child know you’re available for interaction, but don’t force active engagement if they aren’t ready.

By respecting your child’s comfort level, you create a supportive environment where they feel safe and can participate more easily over time.

2. Don’t Ignore Sensory Sensitivities

Autistic individuals often experience sensory sensitivities that many neurotypical people take for granted. This could be an aversion to loud noises, sensitivity to textures, bright lights, certain tastes, or smells. Ignoring or dismissing these sensitivities can be incredibly uncomfortable for your child, and might lead to meltdowns or behavioral challenges. Here’s what you can do:

• Observe and adapt: Pay attention to what triggers sensory overload. Create a sensory-friendly home environment where possible, offering options like noise-canceling headphones or soft clothing.
• Proactive strategies: If a situation with unavoidable sensory challenges arises, offer coping tools beforehand or the option to take breaks when needed.

Understanding and accommodating your child’s sensory sensitivities can significantly reduce anxiety and create a more comfortable and supportive environment.

Addressing sensory sensitivities isn’t about “coddling” your child. It’s about understanding how their neurology differs and reducing unnecessary stress. When autistic children feel overwhelmed by sensory input, it’s like their brain’s alarm system is going off. This makes it extremely difficult to focus, learn, and regulate emotions. Helping them feel calmer and more in control has huge benefits for their overall well-being and development.

3. Don’t Insist on Rigid Routines

Routines and predictability can be helpful for many autistic individuals, providing a sense of security. However, it’s equally important to embrace flexibility. Unexpected changes (a fire drill, a canceled appointment, a change in dinner plans) can be incredibly disruptive, leading to anxiety and behavioral challenges. Here’s how to strike a balance:

• Predictability within flexibility: If possible, maintain consistency in core areas like bedtime routines or morning schedules. For other areas, incorporate choices and gradual changes.
• Visual schedules: Visual aids such as picture schedules or checklists can help children understand when changes are coming, reducing anxiety about the unknown.
• Prepare for the unexpected: Talk about how sometimes plans change and practice simple coping strategies like taking deep breaths or finding a quiet space

By helping your child develop flexibility, you equip them to better handle life’s inevitable surprises and build resilience.

4. Don’t underestimate communication abilities

Communication difficulties are common for many autistic individuals, but it’s vital not to assume they have nothing to say. Autistic communication might not always look like typical verbal interactions, so be open to different forms of expression:

• Nonverbal communication: Pay attention to gestures, facial expressions, and body language. Consider teaching sign language or using picture exchange systems (PECS) to supplement communication.
• Assistive technology: Explore communication devices, apps, and software that can provide a voice for nonverbal or minimally-verbal autistic individuals.
• Patience and support: Show your child that you value their efforts to communicate. Avoid putting pressure on them to speak and celebrate all forms of expression.

Remember, communication is a two-way street. Focus on understanding your child’s unique communication style and building a strong foundation for meaningful interaction.

There’s no single “normal” for anyone, especially in the realm of communication. Focus on what is functional and effective for your child. If they can express their needs, wants, and feelings, that’s success – whether it’s through speech, sign language, picture cards, or a typing app. Help them build on their existing strengths instead of fixating on whether they match what society deems typical.

5. don’t disregard Special Interests

Autistic individuals often have incredibly focused, passionate interests known as special interests. These might seem unusual or intense to others, ranging from dinosaurs to types of vehicles to complex historical topics. Don’t dismiss or discourage these passions – they are valuable!

• Opportunities for learning: Special interests can be a springboard for developing skills in research, reading, communication, and more. Find books, documentaries, or resources related to their interest.
• Connect and engage: Show genuine interest in your child’s special interests. Ask questions, listen to their explanations, and share in their enthusiasm. This builds connection and strengthens your bond.
• Boost confidence: Deep knowledge about a subject can give autistic children an area where they feel competent and knowledgeable, boosting their overall self-esteem.

6. don’t force Physical Affection

Physical affection, like hugs and kisses, is a common expression of love. However, some autistic individuals find physical touch overwhelming or uncomfortable. It’s important to respect their boundaries instead of forcing physical affection. Here’s how to show love in ways that feel good to them:

• Observe their preferences: Pay attention to how your child reacts to different types of touch. Do they stiffen when hugged or enjoy a gentle back rub?
• Offer alternatives: Explore other ways to express love and connection: high fives, special handshakes, spending quality time together, or verbal expressions like “I love you.”
• Respect autonomy: Empower your child to make choices about their bodies. Let them know they can say “no” to hugs or kisses and that you still love them unconditionally.

By honoring their personal space, you show your child that you accept them fully and that their comfort matters.

7. don’t Use Punitive Discipline

Punitive discipline techniques like yelling, spanking, or time-outs can be particularly harmful to autistic children. These methods often increase anxiety, create a sense of shame, and damage your bond long-term. A far more effective approach includes:

• Positive reinforcement: Focus on rewarding desired behaviors. Use praise, special privileges, or a simple token system to reinforce the things you want to see more of.
• Prevent meltdowns: Understand your child’s triggers and proactively address them (sensory needs, communication frustrations etc.) Prevention is key to reducing difficult behaviors.
• Teach coping skills: Teach calming strategies like deep breathing, counting, or finding a safe space. Help your child identify and express their emotions in healthy ways.

Remember, children do well if they can. Punitive approaches assume “bad” behavior is willful disobedience when it’s often a matter of stress, overwhelm, or unmet needs. Shift your focus from punishment to proactive strategies, problem-solving, and supporting your child’s emotional regulation.

For helpful resources and strategies on positive behavior support, explore these websites:

• The National Autistic Society – Understanding and Managing Challenging Behavior
• The Center for Parent Information & Resources – Positive Solutions for Families

8. don’t Overwhelm with Social Situations

Social interactions can be a major source of stress for many autistic individuals. Instead of pushing them into too much social activity too quickly, adopt a gradual approach:

• Start small: Begin with structured one-on-one playdates with familiar peers or family members.
• Social skills groups: These provide a safe environment to practice social skills in a smaller, supportive setting.
• Support, don’t force: Provide guidance and support during social outings, helping your child navigate interactions and offering them the option to take breaks when needed.

Social skills take time to develop. Focus on creating positive experiences and building your child’s confidence in their own time.

9. Don’t Neglect Self-Care as a Parent

Parenting a child with autism is incredibly rewarding but also exceptionally demanding. It’s easy to become so focused on your child’s needs that you neglect your own. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Self-care is vital for your well-being and ensures you have the energy and resilience to be the best parent you can be. Here’s how to prioritize your needs:

• Small steps make a difference: Find small ways to incorporate self-care into your daily routine – a relaxing bath, a short walk, listening to your favorite music.
• Ask for help: Don’t be afraid to reach out to family, friends, or respite services for help with childcare, errands, or simply time for yourself.
• Parent support groups: Connect with other parents of autistic children for support, understanding, and shared experiences. You can find online groups or in-person meetings in your local area.

It’s natural to have challenging days. Here’s how to keep your mindset positive:

• Focus on progress: Celebrate milestones of all sizes, not just those that match a neurotypical timeline.
• Connect with community: Engage with supportive networks, whether it’s other families, therapists, or online communities.
• Practice gratitude: Take time to appreciate the positive aspects of your child and your journey together.

10. don’t Compare to Neurotypical Standards

It’s natural for parents to compare their child’s development and progress to neurotypical standards, but it’s essential to recognize and embrace neurodiversity. Every child is unique, and autistic individuals have their own strengths, challenges, and developmental trajectories.

Instead of focusing on how your child measures up to neurotypical standards, celebrate their individual strengths, accomplishments, and milestones. Recognize and appreciate their unique qualities, interests, and perspectives, and encourage them to embrace their identity as an autistic individual.

It’s also important to set realistic expectations based on your child’s abilities and needs. Avoid placing undue pressure on them to conform to societal norms or expectations. Instead, focus on supporting their growth and development in ways that honor and respect their individuality.

11. Don’t Neglect Advocacy and Resources

Navigating the complexities of autism can be challenging, but it’s essential to advocate for your child’s needs and access the support and resources available to them. Whether it’s educational accommodations, therapeutic services, or community programs, advocating for your child can make a significant difference in their life.

Educate yourself about autism and the rights and resources available to your child. Stay informed about relevant laws, policies, and programs that can support their education, healthcare, and overall well-being. Be proactive in seeking out and accessing the services and supports that can benefit your child.

Here are some starting points:

• Autism Speaks – Advocacy and Resources: https://www.autismspeaks.org/
• The Autism Society: https://autismsociety.org/

It’s also important to build a network of support for yourself and your child, including professionals, educators, therapists, and other parents of autistic children. Surround yourself with people who understand and support your journey and can offer guidance, encouragement, and empathy along the way.

Research has shown that advocacy and support are critical for ensuring that autistic individuals receive the services and accommodations they need to thrive. By advocating for your child and building a strong support network, you can empower them to reach their full potential and lead fulfilling lives.

Conclusion:

Parenting an autistic child is a journey filled with both challenges and incredible rewards. Remember, understanding, acceptance, and positive support are the best things you can give your child. By avoiding these common pitfalls and working in partnership with your child, you can empower them to thrive and embrace their unique place in the world.

I hope this guide has provided valuable information and inspiration!